The other day I was at Wal-Mart and in the CD bargain bin I found a Tracy Lawrence CD for five dollars and I bought it. The CD was “Then and Now: The Hits Collection.” After listening to it I realized I could take track one and track six and weave a story out of them. So without further ado I give you “Then and Now.”

6 am
Alarm goes off
I reach where you no longer lie, but don’t feel quite as lost
Every day
I drive my truck
A little farther into work before your memory catches up
Radio on
I’m not afraid
I can listen to most any song the DJ wants to play
Slow but sure
I’m coming around
No I’m not looking back I’m moving on now
But I won’t go so far as to say that I’m fine
Too much of what I felt for you remains
I’d like to believe in the healing hands of time
But the truth is I really can’t say
If I’m getting better or just used to the pain.

My relationship with Tanya Marie Skilling came about because I stuck my nose into something that was none of my business. I was having dinner at Bud’s Bar (if you could call a half pound ground round dinner). There was a couple sitting at a table across from me and I was watching them as I munched on my burger.

Actually I wasn’t watching them; I was looking at her. On my ten scale she was easily a twelve. She was wearing a short skirt and she was sitting with her legs crossed which showed an awful lot of leg. She was wearing heels and they looked to be four inch and they were what I considered sexy heels. Thin leather straps with an ankle strap. Legs and heels have always been a major turn on for me so she had my full attention.

I was sitting far enough away that I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I could tell they were arguing. He said something, she grabbed her purse and went to stand up and he grabbed her purse away from her. Once on her feet she tried to get her purse back from him and he put a hand in the middle of her chest and shoved her. She stumbled backwards, tripped and fell to the floor.

I was off my chair and in his face by the time she managed to stand up. I snatched the purse away from him, dropped it on the table and then told him to get his ass out of the bar. “Fuck you” he said and swung at me. I blocked the punch and kneed him in the crotch; he doubled up and I grabbed a handful of his hair, pulled him over to the door and shoved him out into the street.

“Come back in and I’ll put you in the hospital.”

“I’ll get you for this” he yelled and then staggered over to a car, got in it and drove off.

I went back inside and asked the girl if she was okay and she said she was “But you have given me a problem.”

“How’s that?”

“You just chased away my ride.”

“No problem. I can take you were you need to go or if you wouldn’t feel comfortable with that I can put you in a cab.”

“I probably don’t have enough money for a cab ride that long.”

“Then I’ll pay him.”

“You would? Why? Why did you run over here and jump into the middle of things. You don’t even know me.”

“You’re a woman and that’s all I needed to know.”

Before she could respond Bert came up to me and thanked me for handling the disturbance. Bert owns Bud’s Bar and I’ve never been able to get a straight answer from him when I asked why it was Bud’s Bar and not Bert’s Bar. When he left us the woman asked:

“What did you mean when you said I was a woman and that was enough?”

“In The Real Man’s Handbook on page two under Duties of a Real Man item two is go to the aid of damsel’s in distress.”

“Item two? What’s item one?”

“Look after little children, puppies and kittens.”

“Children, puppies and kittens ahead of a women in trouble?”

“What can I say? I guess whoever it was that wrote the handbook must have thought that some women could lookout for themselves while little children, puppies and kittens can’t.”

“I guess someone who looks after puppies and kittens can be trusted so yes, I’ll let you drive me home.”

We introduced ourselves on the way out to my car and once in she gave me directions to her place and I pointed the car toward it.

The first couple of minutes were silent and then she said “You haven’t asked what that little scene was all about.”

“None of my business.”

“Aren’t you even a little bit curious?”

“Of course I am, but it still isn’t any of my business.”

“He was my ex-husband and what you saw was me breaking up with him again.”

I said nothing and paid attention to my driving. Apparently she didn’t like silence.

“I didn’t know I was going to breakup with him when we got to the restaurant.”

Again I said nothing and after several seconds she said “It was just supposed to be dinner and then we were going to go dancing. Halfway through dinner he asked me for some money and when I asked him what for he wouldn’t tell me. All he would say is that he would make sure I got it back. His not wanting to tell me told me what he needed the money for. He was a recovering drug addict. I divorced him over a year ago because of his drug use.

“He came back two months ago, told me he had gone into rehab and had kicked the habit. He wanted to try and put us back together. I had loved him once and I did still have some feelings for him. I told him if we got back together and he started using again I would be done with him forever. Then came tonight. I told him we were through, got up to leave and he grabbed my purse and said:

“Damn it Tanya; I need the money.”

I tried to get the purse back and that’s when you got involved.”

I kept my eyes on the road and said “You meant it? You are done with him?”

“I damned sure meant it.”

“How long of a mourning period do you think it will take you to get over him?”

“Why are you asking me that?”

“I don’t want to ask you out until you are over him.”

She gave me what I thought was a thoughtful look and then said “I’m pretty sure I’ll be over him by the time you get me to my place.”

When I got her to her place I hurried around, opened the door for her and then walked her to her door then I asked her:

“Are you over him yet?”

“Completely.”

“Would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow?”

“I would love to.”

A month later after a dozen dates we made love for the first time and I found that Tanya was damned near insatiable. I wondered why God had designed woman the way he had. Why had he made them so they could go on and on and then designed man so he couldn’t keep up? There were nights I went five times before I was spent and Tanya was still raring to go. And Tanya did it all. She was the first female ever to ask me for anal and her head was state of the art. Four months later I asked her to marry me and she said yes. She moved in with me and we began planning a June wedding.

It was the second of April when my boss called me into his office and told me that one of our projects was in trouble.

“Carter had a stroke and without a strong hand on the tiller the project is falling behind and I need you to go out there and take over.”

I said I would do it and then I went home to give Tanya the news. I would be gone for a month to six weeks and while she wasn’t happy about it she said she understood that it was my job so just hurry up and get it done and get back home.

We talked on the phone every night and after I’d been there two weeks I arranged to have her fly to me for the weekend. She reduced me to ashes before she left to go back home on Sunday night.

I was so wrapped up in the project trying to get it done so I could get back home to Tanya that I didn’t notice the changes. The calls dropped from every night to every other night and then to every third night. When I told her I’d get her a ticket to fly in for the weekend she told me she couldn’t make it because something at her job was requiring her to work on Saturday.

When I couldn’t get her on the phone three nights straight I asked why when I did reach her on the fourth night. The same project that had her working part of the weekend was causing her to work late at night. I bought it. Why wouldn’t I? It was a work project that I was on that had us apart in the first place.

The last week of the project as I was getting antsy and looking forward to getting back to her by the weekend is when she dropped the bomb on me.

“I’m sorry Matt; I didn’t mean for it to happen. I wasn’t looking for it. It just happened. I swear sparks jumped between us when we met. I knew instantly that he was meant to be my other half. I’m sorry Matt; I really am. Please don’t think bad of me. I care for you; I really do, but John is the man the Gods mean for me to be with.”

When I got home to the apartment she was gone. The only trace of her left was the apartment key and the engagement ring I gave her sitting in the middle of the kitchen table.

Did I try to find her and have a face to face with her? No I didn’t. Why bother. All I would hear was her saying that she had found Mr. Right. I didn’t need that. I already hurt bad enough from just the phone call.

Life took on a bleak sameness for me.
“End of day
Go back home
Have a bit to eat then go sit in the living room alone
Easy chair
Watch TV
Halfway through the news I’m soundly sleeping
No I won’t go so far as to say that I’m fine
Too much of what I felt for you remains
I’d like to believe in the healing hands of time
But the truth is I really can’t say
If I’m getting better or just used to the pain.”

It was a couple of months before I had any interest of meeting someone of the opposite sex. And even then I wasn’t looking for a lasting relationship; I was just needing to get laid. Lasting relationships just didn’t seem to work for me.

Carol and I had gone steady from the eighth grade until high school graduation. During the summer before we started college she semi-broke up with me. Said she felt the need to date other guys; make sure I was the guy she was supposed to be with. I say semi-broke broke up with me because she said she still intended to date me. I was still going to be her main man.

I was pissed, but I kept my cool. I told her it was a great idea and I would date other girls for the same reason. She didn’t say anything, but I could tell she didn’t much like that idea. I guess as far as she was concerned I was just supposed to sit at home and wait for her. We dated others and the results were predictable. We never got back together although she did call me several times to ask why I hadn’t been calling her to set up dates.

Middle of my sophomore year at State I met Joan and we stayed together until near the end of our junior year. We were talking marriage after graduation, but we ended when I caught her fucking an old boyfriend. Carol and Joan put me off wanting a fulltime relationship. I dated a lot, scored enough to keep me happy, but stayed away from committed relationships until Tanya came along.

I finally put Tanya behind me and ventured out and started dating again. Three months after I jumped back into the dating pool I met Jessica. I have no idea of how we ended up together because Jessica was one hundred and eighty degrees from the girls I was usually attracted to.

She had tattoos all over her body, a ring through her nose and had a new hair color almost every week. One day it would be purple and five days later it would be pink. A week later it would be black with blonde streaks. She was NOT the type I usually went for and in fact I never did go after her.

I was dating Abby when Jess and I met. One night Abby and I went to a bar that had a band. Jessica was the barmaid and she and Abby were friends. Abby introduced us and then Abby and I drank and danced until closing.